There are a few things that really irk me. 

For example, lukewarm coffee.

Another is having to wipe up the floor in front of the toilet (iykyk).

When the dishwasher is full but instead of unloading it and putting dirty dishes into the dishwasher, dishes pile on the counter.

When you forget to put the clothes in the dryer, or have the dryer on the wrong setting and the clothes only partially dry and then sit in there all nasty for hours.

Okay, maybe there are more than a few things that really irk me.  😂

But THE ONE that REALLY takes me into full Holy-Spirit-take-my-entire-mouth-right-this-very-second-mode is, 

When someone offers a partial apology.

I’m guessing you know what it sounds like, or perhaps you’ve offered one yourself (we all have):

• “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong.”
• “I’m sorry you were offended.”
• “I’m sorry you feel hurt.”
• “I’m sorry, but you can’t expect perfection.”
• “I’m sorry, but I was just stressed.”
• “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have had you not….”
• “I’m sorry, it was just a joke.”

And, perhaps you’ve wrestled with why these statements don’t sit right.

And you should – because these statements aren’t full apologies, they’re partial apologies. You’ve been offered the classic apology sale—now with 50% less accountability! Baahahahahahha!

Let me break this down for you.

Most people don’t mean to be manipulative, but what’s usually happening underneath is this:

• They feel shame and can’t face the full weight of what they did.
• They want peace without accountability.
• They fear being the “bad guy,” so they throw a quick “sorry” bandaid on a bullet wound and hop you’ll drop it.

Here’s the truth: A real apology costs something.

It costs pride.

It costs control.

And it costs pretending we’re perfect.

But in order for us to experience deep, healthy relationships, we’ve got to rid ourselves of these things and enter into humility.

Take a look at these statements again, and see what each statement is doing.

• “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong.” (Not actually having to take responsibility)
• “I’m sorry you were offended.” (You’re the one who did wrong by taking it the wrong way)
• “I’m sorry you feel hurt.” (Suggests your feelings are the problem)
• “I’m sorry, but you can’t expect perfection.” (You expect too much, which is the problem, not me)
• “I’m sorry, but I was just stressed.” (I’m not taking responsibility because there was a reason I did it)
• “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have had you not….” (Blames you for the situation, avoiding responsibility)
• “I’m sorry, it was just a joke.” (Justifying their behavior while also putting responsibility on you for taking it incorrectly)

A full apology communicates the following:

• Acknowledgement of any hurtful behaviors (1 John 1:8-9)
• Godly sorrow for how it has impacted you (2 Corinthians 7:10)
• Fully taking responsibility for both, and turning from sin (1 John 3:6)

For example: “I’m sorry I said that to you, and I see how that made you feel. I won’t do that again.”

So what can you do when you get a partial apology? Here’s how to respond with both grace and guts:

Don’t rush to rescue them from discomfort.

Sit with what has been offered. You don’t have to address the partial apology immediately, nor do you need to mend anything. First, reflect and pray about what just happened.

Name the partial apology without attacking.

“I appreciate you saying that, but it feels like you’re sorry I’m upset—not for what happened.” If they don’t like what you’re saying, that’s okay. You naming the partial apology is huge, and gutsy! It’s actually necessary if you want true healing!

Decide what you need.

Sometimes it’s repair. Sometimes it’s boundaries. Sometimes it’s just clarity that they’re not ready to own it. It could be a counselor, a godly friend, or alone time for contemplation and getting rooted again in the Word. Then do it.

Remember—you can forgive someone without pretending they apologized. But it also might mean the relationship will look different.

Healing doesn’t always require their full apology, but maturity requires you to know when it’s missing, and what to do when it is.

Keep speaking up when you don’t feel heard.

Say when you haven’t received a full apology.

Ask them to pray and seek the Lord as to why they can’t offer one.

And you?

Look at you growing! I’m already proud of you! 💪

Stay gutsy and grounded,

Amanda

P.S. Next time someone says, “I’m sorry if…”—smile, breathe, and think: “Is this an apology sale? Cause I’m not buying.” 😉

Prayer:

God of Restoration,

Help us to be honest with ourselves, and with You.

Give us the courage to look within.

Reveal any area within us that needs pruning or healing.

Soften the hearts of those we know and love.

Do not allow fear to rule our lives.

And give us the guts to stand up for ourselves and those we love.

In Jesus’ name, amen.