“How dare you keep me in this dungeon.

You whipped me with your words and hit me with more heartache.

Why did I run myself ragged believing I could trust you with my heart? Exhausted, here I am again – more proof how painful you really are.

But this pain doesn’t matter to you. You laugh at it – you tell me it’s not real. It didn’t happen, you didn’t say it, or never meant to.

Then you took it a step further. You took my pain and made it my fault.

This suffering wouldn’t have happened had I numbed myself or suffocated in silence. If I’d played along, I wouldn’t have had to hurt you with the truth.

Now I’m the villain. It’s my fault. 

So you locked me in your emotional prison wanting me to pay for the pain you cause. As long as you hold the key with your ‘hurt’, I’m powerless.

This is my fault, you say. You’re the victim. 

But you have no scars.”

-Journal entry 10/13/2021

There’s a sentence I wish came with a warning label because once you see it, you can’t un-see it:

Some people will never forgive you for what they did to you.

If you’ve ever thought, “Wait—aren’t you the one who…?” congratulations: you are sane.

Here’s the uncomfortable reality: repentance (sincerely admitting wrong and change of behavior) is holy…but it’s also humbling. And for some people? 

Humility is their least favorite spiritual discipline. 

To some degree, we all struggle with humility. But some are allergic to it, and we know the difference.

Instead of owning what happened, they do spiritual gymnastics. They rewrite the story. They double down. They act like you’re the problem because it’s easier than admitting their own.

And listen—if you’re someone who cares, you might think:

“Maybe I did say it wrong…”

“Maybe if I would’ve…then…”

It’s always beneficial to self-reflect and ask the Lord to “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

Listen for what the Holy Spirit says, and act on anything you’re convicted of.

But unhealthy people want something more.

• They want you to blame yourself for their actions.
• They want you to blame yourself enough to doubt their behaviors.
• In order to ensure you’ll do this, they’ll exert power over you by being too hurt to engage – so they’ll lock you up in their emotional prison until further notice.

They’re the victim.

They’re the ones hurt. 

And they’re unwilling to talk about it, or forgive you for it.

😬

Here’s why people do this:

This is why someone will withhold love, discussion, or forgiveness  as a form of punishment. You spoke up. You said it was hurtful. You shed light on what was hurtful. And they weaponized it to hurt…

…you.

Here’s a few reasons why:

1) They can’t tolerate responsibility, so they “export” it.

When we feels shame, guilt, or fear of being in the wrong, a common defense is to pin the discomfort on someone else. 

“This happened because of you,” instead of “I chose this / I did this.”
This is blame-shifting. Often it overlaps with projection—attributing to you what they can’t face in themselves.

2) The “hurt” becomes leverage instead of a conversation.

If they refuse to talk it through but decide they want to keep staying hurt, the hurt isn’t being used to heal the relationship— it’s being used to control the emotional scoreboard. You’re left feeling like you must “make it right,” while they don’t have to own their part.

The relationship gets stuck in a debt/penance loop (“you owe me”) instead of repair. How fun!

3) Withholding communication turns conflict into punishment.

Choosing to not address the issue directly while also acting like the wounded one gives them power. They’re making you pay for what they feel you did – real or imagined. The pain you’ve caused them (eh-em…remember how ridiculous this sounds!) is too painful they can’t engage with you. Wow, you really must have hurt them! 🤢

4) Some people have a hard time knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy hurt.

Healthy hurt sounds like: “I’m upset and I need time, but I want to resolve this.”
Unhealthy hurt sounds like: “I’m upset, I won’t discuss it, and you’ll feel it indefinitely.”
The key difference is whether there’s a path to repair.

Manipulation of one’s pain and of the truth is a powerful weapon for a self-centered person who seeks control and obedience.

So – the real question:

How can you find peace when someone puts you in their emotional prison?

Pray and ponder a firm boundary so that your hearts can rest.

If you’ve been with us for a while, you know that a boundary identifies:

• what you’re willing to discuss
• what you won’t accept (misattributed blame + indefinite punishment)
• and what you need for repair.

You can say something like:

“I’m open to talking about what happened and how we both contributed. But I’m not okay being blamed for choices you made, and I’m not okay with this being held over me without a conversation. If you need time, that’s fine—let’s pick a time to talk. If you don’t want to resolve it, then we need to be honest about what that means for us.”

If they insist you’re the cause of their actions:

A simple response might be:

“I own my part. I can’t take ownership of your decisions.”

If they go silent:

You can set a time-box. You might say:

“I’m here to talk when you’re ready. If we can’t talk about it by (day/time), I’m going to proceed as if we’re choosing not to resolve it—and I’ll make decisions accordingly.”

“Decisions accordingly” can mean emotional distance, changing expectations, or reconsidering the relationship—whatever fits your situation.

So let’s read this sentence again:

Some people will never forgive you for what they did to you.

Here’s the ending of my journal entry from that day:

“I’ve been here before, and I stayed too long. You took your time letting me out. You know how bad it hurts me to think I’ve hurt you, even if I know I didn’t. So for good measure, maybe to make sure I’d never step out again, you held your hurt over me with your unforgiveness. Unwillingness to talk, or want to repair.

But I’m not staying here this time, waiting for you to decide when your victimhood no longer serves you. You cannot hold me hostage in this hate.

I release you from the hope that you’ll see how this harmed me.

I release the dream of us being healthy.

I surrender the need to over explain, try to earn your ‘forgiveness’, or do right enough to avoid you hurting me again.

You have chosen your actions. I don’t have to pay the price for it. I also refuse to make you pay the price. I forgive you, knowing you can’t offer me what I think would heal me. I’ve already got healing knowing who paid the price for me and who frees me from your prison. 

Thank you, Jesus, for helping me see.”

Prayer:

God of Peace,

Be our peace.

Amen