“I want to be honest and tell them how they’ve hurt me, but I’m afraid.” -Anonymous Emailer

We were heading over to my friend’s parents for dinner before meeting up with other friends. Making our way into their adorable brick a-frame, my friend whispers, “Hopefully I can keep it together.” 

After introductions we sat at the long dining room table as her mom and dad brought in the final sides of mashed potatoes and green beans. Meals like these as a college student were like winning the lottery.

Conversation ensued and I began noticing a trend. Sarcastic, snide comments were sprinkled in, directed at my friend.

“Some of us come home and want to stay.”

“When you dress like that people will think something about you.”

“Maybe you could get a degree you’d be proud of.”

Our drive back to campus involved her sharing how frustrating these comments were (rightly so) and me asking why she didn’t tell her parents this.

Why are you so afraid to say something?

I’ve asked this question to countless friends and strangers who’ve come to me with similar situations.

For us to be able to speak up, we need to wrestle down the real reason we remain silent. 

This is a helpful process to overcome silence:

• Identify the problem. Perhaps it’s that her texts are rude, that his comments are hurtful, or that their behaviors make you feel (insert feeling here). Even Jesus identified the real problem in Matthew 23:13 saying, “You hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces.” The people were saying one thing and doing another. Take time to reflect on what exactly they’re doing that is hurtful.
• Identify the reason you haven’t yet addressed the problem. Maybe it’s because you haven’t (until now) been able to clearly see what’s been bothering you. Perhaps you’ve been taught that saying something equates to disrespect (it doesn’t). Typical fears that keep us from addressing a problem are: fear of creating further conflict; fear of retaliation for saying something; fear of having to own something of our own; or fear of the unknown. The reality is that being honest often disrupts the usual dynamic within a relationship which is risky. It may pay off and the relationship improves, or it may rock the boat and cause you to then have to create boundaries. You can always trust that God will take care of you and knows your heart. *For anyone addressing abusive behaviors, there is the real concern of safety when addressing abuse. Please meet with an advocate in your area who can help you create a safety plan.
• Practice using your voice. Being honest is an act of love. When we put words to what has hurt us, we show care to ourselves. But not only that, speaking to our pain loves the ones who’ve hurt us. Being honest says, “I love you too much to not tell you the truth, because I know you don’t intend to hurt me in this way.” Speaking to what hurts ushers love into relationships by inviting the opportunity for healing. Begin by using a simple phrase, knowing you don’t need to justify further. Examples might be, “When you say that it makes me feel judged.” “That felt manipulative and I’m not sure that’s what you intended.” “Please don’t say that.” “Please stop (insert action).”

At its core, our ability to speak is an issue of identity. 

“This is my Son…with Him I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17)  Jesus knew who He was. He didn’t need anyone’s approval because he already knew he was accepted by the Father. 

Do you believe God cares about your experiences and wants you to speak up for yourself? Do you know who you are and can you trust God with the rest? 

I know you can. We can.

No doubt that at some point, Fear entered our awareness who’s lied to us (and others). But now, we can wrestle him down with the power of God. Call on Him! Let’s be freed from the bondage of our silence!

Pray

Spirit to the silenced,

Come.

Sit with us in our fear.

Help us see the pain we’ve protected ourselves from feeling.

Stir in us, courage.

Courage to confront what’s held us.

To crush the comfort deceit has provided us.

Restore our voices.

Remind us Who’s we are.

Strengthen our love for ourselves and others.

Help us be honest and speak what is true.

May it strengthen our relationships.

In Jesus’ name, amen.