He liked me a lot.

In fact, he loved me. Too much.

High school boyfriend turned college boyfriend, we had three years together before I finally called it quits.

Yet he kept showing up outside the building where my last class was. Following me home, I’d remind him of the reasons I didn’t want to be with him. But each time I was honest with him, he’d twist what I said and tell me my own reasons weren’t valid.

“You said you wanted to be with me – that you’d give us another try.”

“I know you didn’t mean what you said.”

“I know you want space, and I’ve given you that.”

“I didn’t lie, you’re lying to me.”

One day while walking back to my small, old duplex on 8th Street, I stopped.

I didn’t stop walking, I stopped talking.

It dawned on me: if I keep telling him my thoughts and feelings, he’ll keep using them against me. I’m giving him access by sharing with him, and he’s using my words to hold onto me. The more I say, the worse it’ll get. I need to stop.

Sometimes it takes deep dysfunction with a person to finally realize they aren’t safe to be honest with.

If we’re wise, we’ll take the time to lean in and learn how to discern who is safe to speak honestly with.

The bible is clear that we are to be wise and guard our hearts (Matthew 10:16; Proverbs 4:23), which is done by asking God for wisdom and discernment (John 1:5) . 

Discernment is realizing when someone isn’t safe to be honest with. 

Speaking again with someone who’s shown a track record of misusing your words? It’s a recipe for heartache.

When we try again and again to share honestly with someone who’s not safe, we end up participating with the dysfunction. We give them more ammunition to hurt us or the relationship we’ve had with them. 

So how do you know if someone is safe to share honestly with?

• They honor you. They’re response is gentle, even if they disagree with what you’re saying.
• They respect you. Out of care for you, they seek to hear what you’re communicating and they take it seriously.
• They don’t use your words as weapons to hurt you. They avoid any form of gaslighting and do not attempt to make you feel bad for sharing.

How someone responds to our honesty is how we learn whether it’s wise to share again.

If someone has shown they use your words to do damage, and they do not honor you or respect you, what do you do?

• Pray! Ask the Lord how to proceed now that you know this.
• If speaking isn’t safe, reflect on boundaries you may need to implement to protect your heart and mind, your peace and joy. Is it safe to text, talk only in person, spend time alone with them, stay longer than a certain time period, go on trips with them, share details with them, etc? What boundaries would set your heart up for success? What is necessary for you to love them well by no longer putting yourself in a position where they will do harm?
• Practice guarding. Instead of sharing, practice your boundaries by putting them into action. Follow through on what you know will show love to yourself and the other person by refusing to engage with their sinful behaviors. Hold your words safely while living within the relationship in a way that honors everyone.

In situations where you’re being spiritually, emotionally, or otherwise abused, the most loving thing you might do is deny the person the opportunity to sin against you. This may mean knowing it isn’t safe to offer what you know they’ll use to hurt you. 

Here are some helpful verses that also help us know who isn’t safe and how to respond:

A gossip goes around telling secrets, so don’t hang around with chatterers. (Proverbs 20:19)

They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! (2 Timothy 3:5)

Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul. (Proverbs 22:24-25)

If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them. (Titus 3:10)

Your words are powerful. They advocate for you as they speak to your pain and plead for your healing.

But there are people who abuse your words and use them to steal our peace and joy (Matthew 7:6).

Lord, give us wisdom to know when this is the case.

Pray

Give us clarity around who will honor our words and who won’t. Help us recover our peace when we’ve given it away. Clear away the chaos and confusion. As we abide in you, settle our spirit and restore our joy. You care for us and you value our experiences. You always listen. Thank you, Lord! In Jesus’ name, amen.